YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
