I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
