Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Randomize
