i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
