I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
