After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize