I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
