I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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