you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
