her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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