Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
