theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
