my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My life is pants optional.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
