apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
