theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
