dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
