I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
