She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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