ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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