Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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