My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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