she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
