I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
