your parents love me but you hate me
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize