Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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