I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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