Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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