so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
