i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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