i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
