Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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