Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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