I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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