My hand turned me down
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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