i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
