fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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