My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You should frame my arrest warrant.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
