I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
