if i can run in heels then i can drive
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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