my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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