my phone needs a breathalizer
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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