I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
