They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
