so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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