I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize