Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
