Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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