Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
