WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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