so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
