Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
