I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
