Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I didn't notice because vodka
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
